Perfectionism
Some parents believe that they have to put a lot of pressure on their child in order to improve in the future. This pressure to do everything accurately and perfectly is one of the biggest problems in perfectionist families. Parents’ judgmental views, shame of their child’s mistakes, comparing their child with other children are all signs of perfectionism that put pressure on children. But many of these parents feel that these behaviors make them good and perfect parents.
The problem is that parents’ perfectionism and the pressure that is imposed on the child to be better, not only affects the parents themselves, but also damages the child’s life. To build a better future for your children, there are many ways other than perfectionism that you can make changes in yourself and your child.
Perfectionist parents;
Perfectionist parents are always afraid of their child’s present and future. If they cannot send their child to the best university, they feel like a failure. Perfectionists believe that the standards set by them will make the child excel, but in reality, this is not the case and the situation may be the opposite.
Signs of perfectionism in raising children:
1-Putting children under the microscope and wanting to do everything without mistakes
2- Telling the mistakes of children to them quickly
3- Praising or blaming the child too much
4-Putting children under pressure to achieve their dreams
5- Examining your own impact on the child’s achievements and enjoying this work
6- Taking all the child’s daily activities seriously
How do we get caught up in perfectionism?
No one is immune to the unwanted desire to become a better parent, but working moms can fall into this trap even harder. This has two main reasons.
- The first reason:
Traditionally, working mothers seek to achieve the best results and try to be successful in other areas of their lives, such as raising children. The desire to succeed in business is somewhat natural and has certain signs. For example, a person tries to reach the highest position in the company where she is working. But unfortunately, the sense of extreme success in parenting does not have a clear and obvious limit. - The second reason:
According to a survey conducted by sitecare.com, 80% of working women are constantly under tension because they cannot devote all their energy to raising their children. 79% of these people feel behind in parenting and 50% of them are afraid of this.
Fathers also often fall into the trap of perfectionism. According to a survey conducted by the Pew Research Center in 2015, almost 50% of fathers would like to become the best parent. In addition, these studies show that today’s fathers spend 3 times more time with their children than fathers of the previous generation (specifically fathers born in the 60s). Parents are not the only victims of perfectionist parenting. Perfectionist parents have a strong negative impact on children’s lives.
Negative effects of perfectionist parents on children :
There is a difference between parents interested in standard education and perfectionist parents. It is good for parents to have high standards because these standards help children live and develop. Whereas perfectionist parents believe that if their child does not meet the highest standards, they and their child have failed. Putting too much pressure on children to be perfect will backfire. The effects of this pressure can lead to doing irrational things to get the desired result of the parents. For example, a child may cheat from his classmates due to heavy parental pressure to get good grades. Because he/she thinks that his/her parents will blame him/her if he doesn’t get top marks. We must know that children and teenagers of any age must accept the consequences of their actions, make mistakes and learn.
Perfectionism can destroy children’s spirit and cheerfulness. Children who think they always have to be the best are more at risk for mental health problems such as depression, anxiety and other disorders. Usually they hide their mental problems and because of this, their mental problems are not treated.
Perfectionism has a close relationship with self-righteous behavior and it happens to cause the child to fail most of the time. One day, your child may get tired of the pressure and leave the house, or if he/she tries to become a good athlete and does not succeed, he/she may give up sports forever.
Solutions to deal with perfectionism:
1- Pay attention to your words and comments. For example, if your child won the first place in a competition or if she failed to get a rank in a competition, do not praise or blame her too much. Ask your child what she is good at and what she can do better than before.
2-Be patient and calm in front of your child’s mistakes. If your child did not make her bed or got a bad grade in her exam, control your anger. Take a deep breath and relax. Remember that children can make mistakes and every mistake is a learning opportunity for them.
3- Avoid comparing your child with others. Most of the time, families compare their children with the children of their friends and relatives. Try to stay away from spaces that compare other people’s lives with your own. Don’t forget that you are only seeing a part of other people’s lives. The part they want you to see! You do not know the details of their lives. Children also have different moods and interests.
4- Focus on your positive points in parenting. You may not be a good teacher for your child in scientific fields and you may not be able to provide the best solutions for her. But you can teach her other things that you are successful in doing. When you can’t teach your child well, be strong and be a little more compassionate.
5- Consider failure or lack of success as an opportunity for children to progress. Let your child make mistakes or even fail sometimes. See failure as an opportunity to learn and tell your child that failure is frustrating but that she can succeed again by trying harder.
6- Pay more attention to your child’s effort than the result. Instead of praising your child’s high score in the school test, praise her effort to reach this score. Or, for example, if your child managed to score two goals in a soccer match, tell her that you noticed her hard work and praise her for her effort. This will make your child never stop trying.
7-Never insist too much on your child’s efforts. If your child stops trying for any reason, do not push her too much. Maybe because of your insistence, the child will not make any effort for what she intends to do. Challenge your child but don’t pressure her.
The last word;
If you have been a perfectionist parent to your child, try to reduce your level of perfectionism. Learn from your mistakes and be a good role model for your children. If you cannot control yourself, it is better to seek help from a child psychologist. Sometimes striving for perfection may be due to a mental health issue such as anxiety disorder or a history of bad memories. If perfectionism continues, you may develop chronic stress or other psychological problems. An experienced psychologist can help you overcome perfectionism. Treating perfectionism early is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children.
